Thinking deep thoughts... and a decision

I walked to the gym tonight (about 45 minutes maybe... something like that) then did 20 minutes on the elliptical and finally swam for about 25 minutes. I did not overly push myself, though I worked non-stop at a good pace.

After all that, I called my husband to come and pick me up. My excuse is that it was dark... well... it was... not that I care... but it's a good excuse right? ;op

As I was waiting for my husband for show up (and trying unsuccessfully to make friend with the parking lot kitties) I realized 2 things: First, though I could feel that my muscles had worked, I was not hurting; second, I had fun the whole time, never felt pressured to "perform", didn't feel like a loser because I wasn't killing myself, I just had fun!

That brought me to another realization: I stopped competing when I was about 17-18 years old, but in my head, working out means competing. It means that if I don't push as hard as I can, I'm wasting my time. I won't be ready when needed. Ready for what? No clue, but I won't be ready because I didn't go home limping!

That competition mindset has been in my way for a long time. I get discouraged because I don't perform the way I want to, so I push more and hurt myself. Then it takes forever to start again, I'm far behind because I stopped for a while, so I get frustrated, push more, hurt myself again.

In the last year I hit a wall. With my joints hurting, and my improvement being in the negative, I've had the hardest time getting motivated. Why bother? I'm no good anyway.

It's insane, irrational, and I've had enough. So there, 16+ years later, I am now retiring from competition. I will not race ever again, I'll never be a fitness professional, I'll never swim at the Olympics, and I'm fine with that.

My fitness goals are much simpler than that: I want to keep my body flexible, strong enough and lean enough to feel good in my skin, I want enough endurance to be able to play without thinking "Can I do this?" That's all I want, and I can do it!

I know myself enough to know that I'll keep pushing. From now on though, I want to push for the fun of it, for the pleasure to feel my body work hard, not for some pride issue that keeps me from enjoying what I do every day.

Who's with me? Let's have fun with this!

Be good n stuff!