I chose my path

I have always been the girl in the middle. I was doing fairly well in school without much effort, so I got along well with the nerd crowd, but I was also on several sports teams, so I was close to the "sporty crowd", add to that that I was always game for a party, there comes a third crowd. In my family I'm the only girl, and in the middle. I guess "middle" is my middle name... HA! This year I've sort of had a "middle phase" in my whole chosen lifestyle that culminated to a realization that I had actually made a choice, which I wasn't quite sure I had made. Weird huh? Let see if I can explain.

Never too sick to brag!

Last week I won a give away from a blog called the "Post Punk Kitchen", hosted by Isa Chandra Moskowitz (see disclaimer at the bottom of this post). I'm a huge fan of the PPK blog which focus on vegan cooking (and living). I don't eat a lot of red meat, and really, these days most of my meals are vegan. It's cheaper, healthier and faster because I don't have to remember to thaw out anything. However, I am not vegan. I do not pretend to be Vegan, and my interest in vegan cookbooks (I have a lot of them) and blogs are simply an add on to my omnivore diet. For that reason, when I won the give away, I felt very self conscious for a few days. I was sure somebody was going to chime in and say "I've read that chick's blogs, she is NOT vegan". That never happened (that I know of) and nowhere was it stated that you had to be vegan to participate in the giveaway. Yet... Why was I so self conscious?

I think that really, this is all coming from where I am now in my own chosen lifestyle. Since last summer I have played with the idea of becoming vegan, but something kept stopping me. I am getting more and more educated about food, how it's prepared, where it's coming from and its impact on people's health. The way livestock is handled on the mega farms is truly terrifying. In many cases sanitation is found only in the dictionary, hormones and antibiotics are common in the feed and water and really it is ridiculous to think that the many unsavory  practices of animal production can have no impact on the health of those who consume the meat and other animal products. Trying to navigate the information, misinformation, propaganda and overt drama of the whole issue is extremely difficult for the common human being. I do not have a PhD in agriculture and though I believe myself to be intelligent, I often find myself more scared and confused than enlightened. What am I eating really?

Even if one manages to eat antibiotic and hormone free animal products which is being fed actual decent food, there is also the question of how the animals are treated. I do not humanize animals, but I believe that they should be treated in a humane manner. They are not humans, but they are not "things" either.

The red building is a neighbor's house. That's how small my father's "farm" is.

I grew up eating meat, chicken, eggs, drinking milk and even eating rabbit every now and then. You see my father, a retired French teacher, fancies himself a "gentleman farmer". Ever since he bought the house I grew up in, he maintained a little tiny farm. The meat, eggs, milk, chicken and even the occasional rabbit came from our own backyard. My father's farm was tiny: 2-3 cows, all of which had names and really were more "pets" than "livestock"; 5-6 chickens, usually a bunch of hens, and 1 rooster (I'll never forget that dumb rooster which would get all huffy and puffy at us, and then charge straight into a wall, dumbest thing I've ever saw!) which would run free all day and sleep inside at night; a few rabbits, we'd play with the babies; and a bunch of barn cats. My idea of a farm has always been very idyllic because that's what I grew up with. We treated the animals well, we were never permitted to do anything to hurt them or stress them too much, and when it was time to fill the freezer, my dad always made sure that the killing was done as humanely as possible. He never did it himself, he actually always made a point to leave so he didn't have to watch. I also remember that the first few meals after we had a bull or a cow put down were always subdued. I got from those lessons from my childhood a respect for the food I eat, for the animals and plants that gave their life so that I could be nourished, the same way an animal in the wild becomes food for another.

Now my problem is that my dad's farm is on a tiny island in East Canada and I'm in San Francisco California. Not only shipping would be a fortune, but there's customs in the way. Boy do I miss my college days. Somebody from my family would stop by Rimouski on their way to Montreal or Quebec and drop a box of meat prepared for me by my parents. A whole semester worth of "organic" totally pasture raised meat!" Really, that's all I knew. I couldn't afford to buy meat!

Unfortunately, that is not happening now. If I want animal products, I have to buy them.The question becomes: Do you ever really know what you are eating? Now, I'm going from what I know from my father's way of raising animals to watching things like Food inc. (and other such documentaries). After that try to understand how we can be called "murderers" (I come from a community of seal hunters) for eating seal meat  from an animal that has spent it's entire life out on the ice in the wild, by an idiot who's downing hormones and antibiotic loaded burgers made from the leftovers of a cow that spent it's life in a crate standing in (and eating) feces. Really? How can one justify eating such meat? How can I?

That's where I was last summer, and that's when the option of becoming vegan started to look very inviting. I already had a great repertoire of vegan recipes and resources, but was I ready to take the plunge? At first I took the position that my husband would never go for it. "I" was ready to make the change, but he wasn't. I could not impose my choice on him. I realize now how much that was really a cop out. If I really wanted to be vegan, my husband would support and respect my choice I know it. The reality is that despite the fact that I truly enjoy and am satisfied by vegan meals, I am not willing to make such a commitment. To "me" it is imposing an unnecessary restriction on myself. I am the type of person for whom setting absolutes is just setting myself up for failure. Yes, I know that many people live as vegan and do not feel restricted. Good for them! I know that it wouldn't work for me.

I have learned a lot in the last few years and am certainly not in any way "looking down" at the vegan crowd. Their determination and the strength of their convictions have forced me, and many others, to take a second look at what I eat and where it comes from. I do not share all of their beliefs, neither are their choices necessarily my choices, but I understand now that I need to be careful in the choices that I make every day and how those choices have an impact on my health, on the planet, on how animals are treated.  I feel like my eyes have been opened and that now I can look around, educate myself and make better choices every day. I am in the process of going from "organic" to pasture raised products as much as possible. I am certainly not perfect. Little by little I think I am making a little bit of a difference, it cost me a little more money-wise, it takes a little more research and traveling to get the products I choose to eat, but I think it is worth the effort.

I am not vegan because I don't feel like I have to be. I don't have a problem eating meat, I don't like the idea of killing, but I see it as a natural process of nature. Still I think animals deserve to be treated humanely and with respect. I really don't believe that one exclude the other, it's not all or nothing. I think we all in our own little way can make better choices, little changes that lead to a better world... one meal at a time.

Be good n stuff!


Disclaimer: I do not in any way want to imply that Isa Chandra Moskowitz agrees with me, share my view (she doesn't), or even care about what I think. I'm a fan of her work, and I think she's a great example of someone who put herself out there as an example without being "preachy" or condescending and because of that I have learned a lot from her.

All in a meeting

A little while ago, I emailed a friend to ask her if she would mind me showing up as her member. You see, I am a Weight Watchers leader, and as everybody who works in the field at Weight Watchers, I'm also a member. I have always gone to meetings, until I became the assistant of the boss in my territory. Suddenly, I felt like everybody walked on eggshell around me. It's probably mostly in my head, but it's hard to feel at ease and welcome when you feel like people are wary of your being there. I do not hold that position anymore, so I thought it was time to get over it and get back in a meeting.

Fast forward to last week, I emailed my friend and she seemed to have no problem with it. There are those people with whom you instantly feel at ease and she is such a person.  I knew that she would be able to tell me anything that needs to be said. So after sleeping in the first week, I finally showed up this week. I felt so welcome when I came in! I knew a lot of the members already and everybody welcomed me with open arms. It was like coming home. 

I knew the topic of course, I presented it twice this week myself, but the discussion really helped me a lot. The funny thing is that it's not anything I hadn't heard before. Most, if not all, of what was discussed came up in my own meeting. This time instead of thinking "how can I use this to help the members", I was thinking "how does this relate to me? To what I am doing?". Two things really stuck with me: 

1- A fellow member decided to try circus training! There's a school here in the city, and really, I am seriously thinking about it! I did some gymnastic in high school and really enjoyed it. I am less flexible now, obviously, but I am stronger than I was back then. Who knows? I'm seriously thinking about it!

2- Another member talked about how she looks back to her old tracker for inspiration. Now that at first brought a "Not working for me" in my mind. 

You see, when I started this journey of building a better lifestyle for myself, I didn't know how to cook, I didn't know much about activity even if I had been very active.  I had always relied on coaches, trainers, and friends to put together a routine. I knew nothing much of nutrition either (that's an understatement!). Now after years of reading and educating myself I know more than the average person about both food and activity. My choices are educated, my portions are righteous and my workouts are carefully crafted. There is no way what I did before would work better than what I'm doing now.

Well, the flaw here is that back then I was thinner than I am now. That sorts of throws a wrench in my whole line of thinking doesn't it? Not only that, but I had fun then! I felt strong, powerful, motivated! Now I feel stressed, pressured, every choice, every workout, every meal is a big deal. 

It's sort of part two of my whole idea of focusing on the goals, not on the process I started in my first post of 2012: Here we are finally! The idea that maybe I shouldn't over think this. That I should keep things simple and set meaningful goals and take the steps needed to achieve them. No more, no less. 

You don't need a PhD in electrical engineering to turn on a light switch... you don't need a baseball bat either.

Over thinking things leads to paralysis. you spend so much time thinking and studying that you forget to do what you need to do to make things work. In the same line of idea, being active doesn't mean Olympic level training.

What did I do in my early years as a member that I really truly enjoyed? 

I made a lot of Shrimp and veggies lunches. I would grab shrimps at the store (or scallops) and veggies and sauteed the whole thing in a pan with whatever veggies I had around and whatever spices I could find. It was simple, quick and delicious! So when I left the meeting I stopped by whole foods, grabbed shrimps, 2 color of kale and garlic and brought that home and made a delicious, if simple, lunch for myself! It took minutes, literally, and I was completely satisfied. Who would have thought?

I did my 30 minutes of high intensity cardio on the elliptical 6 days/week every week. That was the base line of my activity, everything else was extra. On good weeks I'd add a few classes, weight training, walking a lot and on bad weeks I'd do 30 minutes 6 days/week. So Friday, I REALLY didn't feel like doing anything, still I went in and did my 30 minutes of cardio and that's all I really did. You know what? That's enough!

After my super lunch, and my late afternoon work out I felt motivated, righteous, I had done what I set out to do, and I didn't hurt myself or wear myself out in the process. All this because I had heard it at the meeting. It's not like I had never heard it before, it's because I thought about what I heard in terms of "this is for the members" forgetting that I am a member myself.

Mustering the courage to walk through those doors, and admit that you don't have all the answers, that you need help, that you need somebody to smile and say "Hey!! I'm so glad you came!"  can seem daunting. 

"I don't need a meeting, this is ridiculous, I don't need help, I can deal with this by myself". 

I don't know, what's more ridiculous really? To show up for a meeting and get the help, the support, the motivation (and accountability! HA!) that you need? or to stand alone in pride, feeling the ground slipping from under you? 

I made my choice, finally!

Be good n stuff!

Lame or victorious?

January started GREAT! Sunday we did a long walk, I ate right, avoided temptation, a perfect first day! Monday I was up at 5:15, hit the gym, did Cardio like I had planned to, ate great! I'm on baby!

Then Tuesday I wake up at 5am and can't go back to sleep. Ok, when I up my activity routine, I have a hard  time sleeping at first. That's me, I know it, no worries. We hit the laundromat and while the clothes are washing, we have breakfast at a nearby cafe. Only, I'm sleepy (and grumpy) and instead of my usual hard boiled egg with a banana, I have a hard boiled egg with a bagel. Oooffaah, 11 P+ instead of 2... That's ok, we go for a 30 minutes walk while the clothes are drying, I'll hit the gym later, handled. The rest of the day goes rather well, I have a light soup for lunch, and a killer work out that afternoon (really... YAY ME!).

Then I work an evening meeting. Because of the gym, I get there later, so I don't have time for dinner before the meeting. A latte will have to do. By the time the meeting is done, I'm starving, my brain is just not functionning anymore. My poor coworker had to stand around while I dug for my phone, which was in my pocket. That's the kind of mindset (or lack of) I was in when I stopped by Molly Stone to grab dinner. I bought a small-ish miche of sourdough bread to make a sandwich with the leftover chicken I knew was in the fridge, thinking I would use the leftovers bread for dinner Wednesday night as we're always coming in late and hungry. HA!

Well, I DID manage to give my husband 1 slice of the bread, a thin one, but still... I weighed the bread I used, and the chicken, but when I got to the living room to eat, I decided not to track it because I did not want to know how many P+ I was scarfing down. I was tired, disgusted with myself, and frankly I had a big attack of "I don't give a falala!". After that I ate an English muffin with Canadian bacon, and WW BBQ pop chips not tracking any of it. It was not a glorious night.

It's dirty cause it's being used, so there!

This morning I slept in until well past 6, got up, decided not to hit the gym early, but go to Stonestown later today (I will!) but as I sat down trying to think up breakfast, my first thought was "With everything I had last night, doesn't really matter what I do this morning". Wait wait wait! January 4th and already I'm ready to throw the towel?????????? OH HELL NO!

So I sat down and tracked everything I ate yesterday after lunch (when I had stopped tracking) and counted the P+ for all of it. My day ended up at minus 24 P+, I ate almost double my target of 26 P+. Panic moment ensued, but then a light bulb flashed in my head: "Wait! I worked out yesterday!" so I calculated that, and I earned a total of 9 AP+ so I was down to minus 15! "Ooooooooooooooooh! I have 16 unused AP+ from my activity on Sunday and Monday!" That huge cleaning spree was useful in more than one way! So actually, I even ended the day with 1 AP+ leftover AND all of my WP+A for the rest of the week!

Actually I found an extra 2AP+ I had forgotten so these numbers are off by 2!

So it all works? Or am I fooling myself? Am I really a lame failure for having a miche of bread? Really? Or am I victorious for overcoming this cruel mind game I seem to be really good at playing on myself? Two things: "You don't get activity Points (+) for beating yourself up", and "Food is not a moral Issue". The two are close, but not the same. Beating myself up accomplishes nothing positive. The harder I am on myself, the  more obsessive I become, until I break and quit. It hurts much more than it helps. "Food is not a moral issue" ties to the fact that my value as a human being is not attached to what I eat. I'm not a "bad person" because I had a carb attack. It's not a reflection of my value but rather a lesson to be learned. If I start my day with a bagel, it will end with a miche. That's all there is to it.

Words to live by... not always easy!

Anti-climatic isn't it? It's sort of going from this big dramatic issue of "I had a good start and I screwed it up entirely, FML!" to "alright skippy, next time you have breakfast at Royal Ground, skip the bagel, it leads to trouble... oh and by the way, have a snack before an evening meeting cause you lose you control (thankfully not your memory) when you get too hungry". Now I feel like an idiot having made such a big deal of something so insignificant. 

Or was it really? Weight management is, in a huge part, a mind game. The challenge isn't the food itself I have never in my life been mugged by a muffin, the challenge is understanding what gets us to over eat, what keeps us from achieving our goals, and finding strategies to beat those challenges. My Mom will laugh if she ever reads this (and understand it) but a big part of my challenge is that I am really a perfectionist. I never ever feel like what I'm doing is good enough. Any side step becomes this huge issue of "There you go, I screwed up again! I knew there was no point in trying so hard, because I always find a way to make things fall apart." I made goal in May 2003, almost 9 years ago. I've been at a healthy weight since May 2003, almost 9 years ago. You'd think I'd have the mind games figured out. Nope, I have good phases, actually I have more good phases than I have bad phases now, but I still have those bad habits, those "bad tapes" that play in my head and threaten to throw away my achievements.

I have a weapon now though. I have learned that tracking keeps those mind games in check. If I write what I'm doing, how I feel, my plans, my discoveries, then I have a record that can show me: Nope, you didn't really screw up. You might have side-stepped here and there, you might have accidentally eaten a whole miche of bread, but overall you are actually doing pretty darnedly good!

Tracking isn't only a good mind game buster. It's a good reality check, and a map to success. I have a record that can tell me: Woah! slow down there chick! Your jeans aren't gonna like you anymore if you keep on swallowing them brownies! I have a detailed record of what I did when I was really successful. Summer of 2004 we did a lot of BBQs, we had a lot of fun, and I lost weight... Let's see how I did that. I also have a record of Summer 2011 I went home and came back 8 lbs heavier. WTH happened? Oh, next time I go NO NUTELLA!

May 5th 2012 I will have been at goal for 9 years. for over 9 years now I've followed the Weight Watchers program in one form or another. I have not always tracked Points or PointsPlus values, but I have always tracked... because it works.

I will not have my goals put on the side by a miche of bread or a bagel. I'm armed* and successful!

Be good n stuff!


Legend:

• WP+A: Weekly PointsPlus Allowance
• AP+: Activity PointsPlus
• P+: PointsPlus value (of a food)

*Armed with a tracker!! This girl doesn't believe in guns!

Here we are, finally!

It is, it is 2012! Ok, close your eyes, take a deep breath, SEE? HERE WE ARE! 2012!

Now that I made it to another year, I want to continue on the trend I set for myself in 2011. No, not the whining and struggling part, the let's do something constructive to make things better part! Knowing that I'm an all or nothing kind of person, I have to be careful not to overload myself with impossible goals, and unmaintainable routines, because I want to reset my routine, not burn myself out in 2 weeks.

As I explained in my previous post, I've come to the realization that I have been putting too much emphasis in the process over the last year or two (or 3) and not enough on actual realistic, manageable goals. So, I set 2 main goals for the year 2012:

1. I want to lose 10 lbs, and then maintain the loss
2. I want to build up my cardio endurance

Neat! There! I've got goals! Now what? Hum, I lost 70 lbs in 2002-2003, losing 10 lbs should be a breeze right? Well, it's not that simple. When I lost 70 lbs, I went from eating 95% junk food, and a ton of it, to eating healthy foods, and paying attention to how much I was eating. In the process I discovered new foods, learned how to cook, and really went from college junk to California foodie. Tofu anyone?

Summer 2002 I got married, moved to the US and was ready for a new life.

Now it's another story. Barring a few exceptions, everything I eat is pretty much whole foods, I don't eat in excess really (if you put aside the occasional bread attack), and, though I still love to cook, it doesn't have this great discovery feel that it used to have. Honestly, I'm pretty much cooking the same easy things over and over again. In other words, I do not have a great revolution to do, at this point it's all about the tiny little adjustments here and there rather than "learning to eat" all over again. I find myself a little at a loss sometimes about where I should start.

Summer 2010, I was in shape, I was focused, I was busy!

Activity-wise it's pretty much the same thing. When I decided to get in shape in 2002, I was starting from nothing. I was taking the bus to go from the Ross on 17th (I think) and Geary to get home at the corner of 23rd and Geary. No jokes!  I started with belly dancing and then I added pilates, yoga, then I rediscovered weights. Love!

After years of working out, and lifting weights I'm in shape. I've worked with a trainer for months (Laura at the Richmond YMCA, don't let her angelic face fool you, she can work the snot out of you, never losing her big engaging smile) and maintained a sort of routine since, but I'm just going through the motions. Even worse, I'm just doing the exercises I like to do. Which is to say that I'm doing the easy ones, which really are those I don't need all that much. The ones I really need, I do rarely and become really sore, so I don't do them again for a while. Brilliant!

Fall 2011, trying to hang on, but parties occurred... 

I have the know-how, I know more about nutrition and physical activity than most people I know. Not only I've been on this journey or over 9 years, but I'm a nerd. I love to find, learn and discover new things. I certainly do not know everything there is to know about nutrition and activity, but I've reached a level of knowledge where to go further I feel I have to get very serious and scientific about it. It's not so much a hobby, it has become "work". I think that might be the root of my problem. This has all become too serious to me, too involved. I keep telling my members that it's important to make this fun, enjoyable, but to me planning dinner becomes a humongous chore of researching the perfect spice, the perfect amount of proteins, wait, isn't that too much carbs? If I'm planning a work out, I have to make sure to balance each group muscle, how many reps for maximal efficiency? Should I add a set? Or raise the weights?

Taking care of myself is a priority to me. I need to be in shape, I need to look good, I need to feel good. I do not want to be a burden for my husband in the not so distant future. I want to be able to hit the beach with my dog and be able to wear my swimsuit without second guessing myself, and take off the leash without thinking "If she runs, will I be able to keep up?". That's what I'm doing this for: for health, for vanity, for confidence. I'm not shooting to compete at any level. I'm not trying to be an anorexic looking model. I'm not even working for a number.

I want to be healthy, to look good and to have the stamina and energy to enjoy life to its fullest.

So there! Now with that in mind, I need to start somewhere. So how do I break this all down?

January Goal: I want to lose 3 lbs, and build my cardio to 30 minutes full speed (I know "full speed" sounds vague, but it's precise to me).

My "tracking week" starts on Sunday, so I'm starting right on the 1st!

Week 1 of January: 

• Food: I will track all week. 
• Activity: I will either get up early and work out, or I will take a lift with Dan (we have a deal) to the gym when he leaves for work.

Food: I've been tracking purty good actually, but that's always where I start. Tracking grounds me and shows me where the little "oopsies" are hiding. Then I can work them out or work them in, depending on what they are.

Activity: This is all about accountability! If I have a deal for Dan to give me a lift, I can't spend all morning saying "oh I'll go later. Ideally, I'll get up at 5:15-5:30 to hit the gym when it opens at 5:45. Realistically, I've been known to snooze for over an hour... So there, if I do I'll get a "You getting ready? I need to leave for work in 5 minutes". Pride, has gotten me in trouble often enough, might as well put it to good use right?

These goals are simple, and really not that difficult to achieve, and that's the point. Breaking big overwhelming goals into small simple and very attainable ones gets me going. Once I'm on a roll, I'm pretty unstoppable, but getting started really is a bitch. Is this the right way to go? I don't know. Ask me again in December 2012. It's my way though, it has worked in the past, we'll see if it works for me still.

I have long term, mid term and short term goals. I have the realization that I need to keep this simple and enjoyable, rather than serious, scientific and complicated. I have a wonderful husband, friends and family that makes this all worth it.

You know what else? I have the firm belief that I really absolutely can make this happen. I have the strength, I have the knowledge, I have the health and I have the support. C'mon really? Stop whining and get going!

Be good n stuff!

Not Resolutions GOALS

Yup, that's my focus this year, setting goals and achieving them. "Duh!" You say? "How did you figure that out Sherlock?" You ask? Well, I know it's a bit from the Captain obvious book, but somehow I managed to forget about that goal thing while I was putting all my efforts on the process. 

It's a weird thing to maintain a lifestyle for a long period of time. You have phases where you do very well, you have phases where you just don't have to think about it "This is how I live now" and there are phases where you just do it all wrong, and just can't seem to get it right. I feel like I've gone from one to another in rapid succession all through 2011. How tiring!

I know what I have to do: Plan ahead so that I can be prepared to cook my meals (instead of eating junk, or ordering out), work out regularly, keep track of what I'm doing, limit the treats... I know all about it, I know how to do it, I enjoy doing it even, so why is it so complicated? I know how, but do I know why anymore?

Losing weight for me was easy. Hate me if you will, I can live with that, but I'm an all or nothing kind of person, and on short term, I can deal with pretty much anything. I was very VERY strict about my eating while I was losing weight, I also was working out minimum 1 hour per day every day, including high intensity cardio for at lest 30 minutes each day. Of course I was also in my late 20s, which made it easier for my body to take the torture I was putting it through at the gym every day. Now I'm a little older, soon to be 38, and I find it difficult to hit the gym with that kind of an intensity.

This summer, I decided that my goal was to be able to do 1 pull up. At first I said by September 1st, then by December 31st, well it's the 26th, and it's not happening. I think the problem lies in the fact that I really don't care about a pull up anymore. I don't see that as being worth the effort. I like lifting weights, but more because of how it changes my body rather than because of the actual number of pounds I can lift. I guess to me that is never going to be impressive no matter what. So there, the numbers game isn't cutting it anymore, so what? What is it that would REALLY make it worth it to me to rebuild my dying routine? What could I work for, that would make it worth it to get up early in the morning to do cardio? What could make it worth getting back to the gym to lift weights? Carry the gear, wash all the work out clothes?

I need to lose 5 lbs, I want to lose 10. I need to build up my cardio in a big way (so lame). One day I would like to do that pull up, but I got to lose the weight first. I want my flat belly back!!

If I really focus on losing that 10 lbs, and building my cardio, the rest should fall into place right? Of course I can't stop lifting, I will lose what I worked so hard to build, but maybe it can be "part of my routine" as opposed to being the sole focus of my routine. At least for the first part of the year. The thing with cardio is that the more I do it, the easier and more enjoyable it becomes. Ideally I'd be doing cardio every day.

Maybe I can start with a more reasonable schedule and build from that? Tuesday morning is laundry morning. So no working out early there. Thursday is usually my sleep in day (until 7!) because I work Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. Hum... I could hit the gym early on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, which just so happen are my husband's work out morning too. I bet if I ask nicely, he'd be more than happy to drop me off at the gym, or even better, make coffee and breakfast while I work out? How motivating to know that if I'm out early enough, I'll have breakfast waiting for me when I come back?

Speaking of which, if I want to lose 10 lbs, I'll have to start planning ahead better. We're already well on our way there though. We've had long talks about starting to cook ahead like we used to do. Make dinner with tomorrow's lunch in mind. We've been pretty good with that as a general rule, but just got a little lazy this fall with all the celebrating going on. Grains and vegetables are back on the menu and that's a good thing because we both love them!

I'm putting all this down to realize, and demonstrate, that once you have something to work for, once you really figure out what it is that you want to achieve, putting together a plan is a lot easier. I don't really care about doing a pull up anymore, so really having that as a goal isn't helping me in any way. Knowing that I really want to lose 10 lbs though, and build my cardio permits me to put my focus in the right direction. If I care enough about the end result, I WILL find a way. The trick is to find the end result that is that meaningful to me, and acknowledging that it might change, and that my once all powerful goal really doesn't mean anything anymore. How weird...

In 2012, I will lose 10 lbs (and then maintain the loss) and I will build up my cardio to the point of being able  to make my elliptical work out 60 minutes at my normal speed. What about you? What goal is worthy of your efforts in 2012?

Be good n stuff!

T-R-A TRA C-K-I-N-G CKING TRACKING

Sooooooo... well... *look around guiltily*

Truth be told, Sunday's weigh in, which initiated my little burst of indignation, was following a friend's call for support in her own effort to get back "on track". Call which I gladly took, first and foremost because I really do care for her a lot and would do pretty much anything to help her out, but also because I had a feeling that my own lifestyle was slightly slipping. Not badly mind you, I'm too good for that, just thought that here and there, I was slowly adding a snack or two which wasn't the most effective way to stay on track.

With that in mind, I stepped on the scale expecting my weight to be on the high edge of my usual maintenance range, a sort of "get your ass back in the game" kind of weigh in. Surprise, surprise! I was past a number which I hadn't seen in months if not years. Nothing horrible, I have lost 70 lbs and am nowhere near getting even close of maybe gaining it back, but high enough to make me weigh in 4 times in a row. "That cannot be right..." It was!

So I got angry, I got depressed, and then I got myself a plan! I trotted out my tracker and got busy! Here's what my tracker looks like:

The black line in there is a desk calendar plastic

corner I use to hold my page.

It's a Moleskin which I paid entirely too much for, but it's perfect for what I want to do:

• It opens on the short side, making it easier to open and to keep open.
• Pages are big, so I can use the recto for tracking, and the verso of the previous day to make notes, write recipes, detail my work out, or make shopping lists.
• It's hard cover, so writing on the go is easier both on the recto and the verso.
• There's an elastic band that keeps it closed, and that I also use to keep my pen close by.
• It's very thin, doesn't overtake my purse.
• There's a little pocket in the back where I can keep my gym schedules.
• It's very nice and sophisticated looking (or was when I got it, it's getting beaten up).

So there! It is big, it is expensive for a notebook, but it works for me!

Tracking is not only a way to "stay on track" for me, but it's a way to really slow me down and force me to think about what I am doing. Do I really need this? Am I eating it because I'm hungry? Or because I'm bored?

People who do not have compulsive tendencies will not understand how important monitoring your behaviors is, how actually relaxing and healing it feels to know what you are doing, and how it impacts you directly. It's not a headache for me to monitor myself, it's a freeing experience. I know what I'm doing, I know where I go wrong, and I can easily adjust if needed.

When I'm not tracking, I don't know. I feel like I'm doing everything right, and nothing is working. How frustrating is that? I'm working out like a fiend, but I'm not improving. Worst, I go directly from being overly strict to I don't give a falala, back to being super strict and it goes back and forth with food and activity until I end up hurting myself at the gym, or eating my way through an entire box of crackers. Not a good outcome.

There's a "reset moment" of when I sit down and prepare my tracker for the week. Because I use a notebook, I prepare each tracking page for the coming week on the weekend, so that I have it nice and ready. Having to put everything together could be an excuse to not track. Then all I have to do is fill the blanks. Easy easy!

Today I'm home, so I'm eating fewer (and bigger)

snacks and meals.

Having that extra page for notes, recipes, or whatever I want to write about is very helpful. Often I put together a recipe on the spur of the moment, and it turns out delicious, writing it down in my tracker permits me to count it accurately, but also to do it again, or to blog about it later without forgetting anything.

There's a work out plan and 2 recipes there. Both

delicious I must say!

Like anything else, it's not about perfection, it's about persistence. Some days I track every single bit as they happen, and detail every single morsel. Some days, not so much. I know that if I track what I eat and what I do, I am happier, more relax, more in control. I am successful and motivated. Sounds like a good reason to keep tracking doesn't it?

I lost 70 lbs, in less than 9 months by tracking every bit, every piece, every sip, every move. It works for me, that's all I need to know.

Be good n stuff!

Seriously?

Ok, weighed myself this morning, and not at all happy with what I saw. Really? Really? I'm up again? I worked hard, I took gym classes, I cooked, I avoided many goodies, I snacked on fruits. WTF?!

Been there? Doesn't matter if its true, please tell me you have! You feel like you've done everything right, in rough waters, you have avoided the big reefs and stayed on course, and yet, the destination is nowhere in sight. How frustrating is that?

Thing is, I didn't track, so I can't show the proof of my righteousness. I can't whine about this, because I got no proof, so I'd be met (rightly) with "Yeah, riiiight, you did everything perfect, you probably forgot a few things along the way..." That answer, which I give freely, pisses me off. Who do you think I am? I'm no newbie at this, I've been doing this for 9 years! It's not like I don't know what I'm doing. The nerve!

I know I snacked a lot, I know this, but I snacked on fruits 90% of the time! I DID eat 3 full bags of green grapes in 3 days, along with a few banana and apples, but it's fruits, It doesn't count! The other times chips occurred, but that was only like 3 times... I don't think I ate that much, well there was that one bag that I pretty much ate by myself, but I didn't eat the WHOLE thing.

I also know we brought sandwiches stuff in once, and they didn't have our regular little rolls, so we had the Pugliese instead (you know the ones you have to bake a little? So delicious! I always eat a whole huge one, which is why we don't get them usually). We did eat out quite a bit this week but I was careful. Breakfast in Sausalito, I had an egg white omelet (with avocado, tomato and bacon, so good!), sushi, we cut down our usual sushi feast to one less roll (usually we pig out for sushi!) so we had a lot, but it could have been worst. Friday we had Indian and I ate only half of my Channa Masala! I didn't have cucumber salad though, so I had rice.

Yesterday was "system D" day which comes from Mom's house. "D" stands for "debrouille toi" which is figure yourself out. So System D means, everybody figure out something to eat for themselves. So lots of wraps, canned soup and leftovers all tinkered together.

So that's my week, add in a cookie or two that we shared at Cafes... oh and a few lattes (it was a rough week) and Friday I had quite a big lunch between meetings, and I also hit the WW snacks pretty good at work... Oh and I had that brownie Friday while waiting for Dan to pick me up, forgot about that. *sigh*

The worst part of all this is that had I tracked as I went along I would have realized that avoiding "worst fare" didn't make what I was actually eating healthy. It's like saying "Being punched in the face shouldn't hurt because you didn't get hit by a truck". The more I look back on my week, the more I realize that I'm lucky I'm not up more.

I was right, I am no newbie at this, newbies aren't generally confident enough to get cocky, and to assume that they are above having to follow the basic rules because they don't need them. I've been at this about 9 years, and I still have to do the work. How annoying!

Alright girl, swallow your pride, take that tracker out and get going. You know what to do, you know how to do it, but if you don't do follow the program, it will not work. Who's with me?

Be good n stuff!