What would a member say?

Like most people in the USA, we're feeling the bite of the housing melt down. I don't deal well with money. I don't know a thing about it, I don't like it, I'd be much happier if we could just exchange stuff like the cavemen... I know...

For the last few weeks I haven't been sleeping very well. I turn things in my mind all night and try to find solutions to problems I really don't understand. Last night I decided I would sleep in this morning to make up for the lost sleep.

I actually fell asleep pretty quickly, which is a miracle for me, and slept for a long time. Forget about sleeping in though. 4:30am, I'm wide awake staring at the ceiling. "What if we're making a mistake? What if we take the wrong path? What if we lose everything? What if I have to give up my dog?" I was working myself up to a panic so I decided to get up.

I know what I'll do, I'll cook us a big breakfast, that will make us feel better. I started down the stairs thinking eggs, cooked ham (we don't have bacon) toast, the whole thing.

I stopped in the middle of the stairs, what the hell was I thinking? What did we talk about last week at the meetings? How is food going to solve our financial problems? Make us any wiser? How will getting fat help me find a job?

I sat on the stairs, Leo the monster kitten got in my lap, and I started looking back at the last few weeks. I've been doing that a lot, the whole "this will make me feel better", or "I don't give a crap, I deserve it". Not enough to gain weight or anything, but it's a slipping slope, and I'm slipping fast. This is not working, what do I do?

"What would you tell a member?" I always ask myself in such situations. Honestly, I have no idea. I have a few platitude, automatic responses that apparently don't mean all that much cause they aren't helping me. I don't have all the solution, all the wise words. I just don't.

"What would a member say to another member?" Hum, now that's a different question. 4:45am, sitting in the stairs, on the edge of a binge, trying to figure this out, what would a member say to another member? "Get your ass to a gym, and work it out. Then you'll be able to think clearly."

You know, that's probably what my peeps on the message board would say too. I looked downstairs and my net bag with my board and pull buoy was hanging from the closet door. I'm going for a swim!

I swam hard for over 45 minutes. At some point all I could think about was "Pull, pull, pull" I knew I was pushing too hard, but it felt so good. I love swimming, it's like moving meditation. I was able to empty my mind, work out all the negative energy. My arms are hurting, my legs and hips are hurting, I'm worn out, but I feel calm, ready to face the world.

I can't control everything, I can only do my best, but I sure can take care of myself so that I'm ready to hit the ground running when things start moving.

The leader doesn't have all the solutions, but the members sure do!